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Dear Neurotypical Woman Who Loves an Aspie Man,

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Thank you for reading this.  I hope it contributes to empathy, to your sense of being understood. I hope it unravels some pain that may have been crazy-making.

I have studied both engineering and therapy.  I was born logical and have learned emotions.

I don’t know how many digits you can repeat forwards and backwards (a joking marker for a certain kind of intelligence), but I imagine you bring a gigantic amount of warmth and care (an intelligence I value more).

I am aware that much written about neurodiversity in relationships can be pessimistic. Not all Aspies are as charming as David Finch, whose Journal of Best Practices is accessible and entertaining. I wonder about you and your man.

What draws you to him? What about his perspective helps him see you in a way for which you long to be known?  In what ways does he push you away?  Is there a message that you would love him to take in that he can’t seem to get?

I bet that some of the pain is so obvious that you feel like you can’t talk to anybody about it, at least without receiving expected and unoriginal advice to throw in the towel. Some of the simplest things become so complicated!

How far should you stretch to meet your man where he is?  Do you feel called to bring him closer to you and the world you enjoy?  And is he willing (yet) to take the initial steps?  If he’s not, what is your willingness to sit with him and compassionately hold his obstacles, knowing he may or may not shift?

What do you know about him that he hasn’t taken in yet?  I imagine he might feel so embarrassed and sad as he takes in needs of yours that haven’t been attended to (or met) the way you both want. How could he take in more coaching if he is drowning in guilt anyhow? Your love will help.

And I hold all these questions with you.


P.S. If you’re a neurotypical man who loves an Aspie woman, the above still applies. Same with LGBTQ relationships.

{ 2 comments… add one }
  • Angelique siemens October 16, 2014, 1:51 pm

    Dear Bob, loving my Aspie Man comes very very easy! I knew i loved when he told me i was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, then stared in the distance and added: “Well second most beautiful. This girl back then so and so….!” Haha! His intregrity, staring me in the eyes, intelligence, different sense of humor are all addictive to me. The pushing away is painfull and he managed a few times to be very effective, but to me he is a gorgeous soul. After an ex who lied & deceived me for 15 years, i would trade my Aspie for any NT man in the world…. I do feel loved by my Aspie. In fact, nobody ever made me feel more warm, without words. The least i can be for him is loving too. And patient ofcourse! Very very very very very patient, haha!
    Take care, xxx.

    • byamtich November 2, 2014, 12:34 am

      Honesty and patience can be such a relief!

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